Communication is the key. Make sure you are unlocking the right door.
“Youth is wasted on the young.”
“Good relationships are wasted on the socially inept.”
First Some Disclaimers About Communication
Just because you open and close your mouth, doesn’t mean communication is happening. Just because sound waves are hitting your eardrums, it also doesn’t mean communication is happening.
Communication is a series of implicit and explicit agreements.
If we are not dancing to the same rhythm, we will step on each other’s toes. Many actually consider dancing itself to be a very clear form of communication.
Ideally, communication is a two-way street. Being around selfish people who don’t truly care about you can make real communication almost unachievable. Do your best to not be surrounded by selfish idiots. Sometimes, we don’t have a choice in the matter.
The Main “House Rule” of Communication: Reality
I will assume, that if you are starting out in this journey. You want to learn to communicate with others, and maybe you aren’t in the best of situations.
All is not lost.
What better way to get better at something, then to train in the worst possible situation? Then, when you are richer, and wiser, you will appreciate being in a better environment.
I will focus mainly on how you can relate to others. There is no point in changing yourself at this stage. Your personality, if less than ideal, can act as a filter to keep away certain people. But don’t make it a point of pride that you are a human repellant. That is not the point of this. Quite the opposite actually.
This post is not actually about you, but about the other person.
Understanding these dynamics will guide you in having more genuine communication. This is not about a relationship being more or less “real,” but about knowing where you stand.
The Poor Man’s Communication Algorithm
If you feel you are clueless about how to communicate, you need to ask, “What do they want?” Don’t ask this out loud, or angrily. That’s aggressive. Don’t mouth it quietly, while looking at the other person. That’s weird. Think it–in your mind–and really mean the question when you ask it. Then, see if you are in any one of these situations:
1. Are They Talking at You, or With You?
Are you simply providing comfort, or are you actively engaging in the conversation? If it’s the first, then put down your phone, do not look at your watch, and get comfortable. Listen to what they have to say. You can ask questions, but too many questions can annoy someone having a vent. Nod your head, maintain eye contact, and enjoy a mutual cup of tea.
1.1 “Talking at You” Subset: The Shoulder to Cry On
If you are closer to the person, they might need a pat on the back or more. Do not assume they want more. Make sure to ask if unsure. If you are in a relationship, this commonly happens. If there is any question, stick to only tea, and maybe dessert, for added support.
2. “Talking with You”: Game – Set – Match
When you’re curious about each other, it’s like a game of tennis. You lob a ball over the net, they return it, back and forth. There is no winning in the sense that you defeat the other person. There is winning in the sense that you are making the other person feel good. Maybe you tell a joke, or say an interesting story. They return the favor, or change to a more interesting topic and you reciprocate.
There is a lot more positive reinforcement on both sides. You feel good. They feel good. Sometimes there might be awkward silences. That is completely normal. Change the subject or maybe ask more questions. Asking questions basically lets them “serve the ball” more often. It’s fun to serve, but it can get tiring too. Make sure you also answer some questions, so it doesn’t feel like an interrogation.
2.1 “Talking with You” Subset: Brainstorming
Sometimes you are in the back and forth with somebody that actually wants to solve a problem. This situation is excellent as you can exchange knowledge and stay motivated to progress the conversation. It’s important not to get stuck on right or wrong answers. You are simply brainstorming. Letting ideas flow and seeing how they land. Embrace the ideas of others and explore how they can integrate with your thoughts. This is one of the Super Powers that humans have. Envisioning new ideas and opening your mind to different possibilities.
3. Are They Using Me?
Some of you might feel you are being used in this process. In some sense yes. But it works both ways. If talking with some individuals boosts your self-esteem, try to engage with them more frequently. At times, talking to some people may leave you feeling drained, puzzled, and less sure of yourself. Consider waiting to continue conversations with them until you’ve gained more experience and improved your coping strategies. If you can’t avoid them, then maybe see why it is they make you feel that way. Either way, it’s a learning experience.
Ultimately we all use each other. We use ourselves to get from one point to another by using our legs. We use resources and energy. “Using” something for the purpose it was made is the least insulting thing you can do to that thing. If you always feel you are being used, it can hinder your capacity to form genuine connections.
