Authentic Relationships depend on really looking at what is actually there, not just assuming.
A wizened elder once said, “When you ‘assume’ you make an ‘ass’ out of ‘u’ and ‘me’.”
How Can We Diminish Trust Through Assumptions
Trust is the essence of relationships. We fall in love and often make many assumptions about what that actually means. We trust that our partner is on the same page as us. This can lead to trouble because everyone has a different upbringing. We might be at the same place at this stage in our lives. How we were raised might have been vastly different though.
Physical Assumptions
The most common assumption we make is what it means to be “faithful”. With everyone using dating apps this can mean many things to many people. We (generally) know what it means for us, but do we know what it means for the other person? For some, it means no “smooching” with somebody that isn’t a part of the relationship. For others, it might be more flexible. As long as no emotions are attached: exchanging liquids is ok, but feeling emotions is bad. These are the basics in relation to the physical connection. This is where most people stop, but there are more assumptions we have to look out for.
Financial Assumptions
One very often hears that the two main sources of problems in relationships is either sex or money. We mentioned sex previously, but money can be overlooked. We form deep bonds with someone often overlooking we have competing ideas about money.
Do we think money is a good, or bad thing? Do we see it just as a tool? It’s important to know where both of you stand. This needs to be spoken about in the open.
If both of you make a paycheck every month, what do you think you should do with that money? Where will the first dollars go? Will it go to fun, or savings?
Learning to budget was one of the most mind-bending things for me. I had to learn a system of percentages where each dollar would go. First to fixed costs, then to investments and savings, and then finally to “fun”.
Before that, I used to wing it, and then wondered why I was struggling a week after my paycheck. I didn’t gamble or drink my money away, but I did love expensive gadgets and software. This was even more dangerous because it almost felt like I was investing my money somehow–I wasn’t. I sometimes didn’t even use what I bought. I was wasting my hard-earned cash.
Sitting down and talking about what do do with our paychecks was vital to a more authentic relationship. My partner thought her way was the only logical way. That was her upbringing and it worked. I didn’t understand how to actually budget because I received no such guidance as a kid. Learning from each other created a deeper sense of trust.
In later blogs I will outline the system I used to make a common sense spending and savings budget.
The Road to Love is Paved with Good Intentions, Not Assumptions
These days it’s hard to know if somebody has our best intentions in mind. If we have trauma associated with trust and vulnerability, it can be really hard to open up to somebody.
Having enough mental-health support can help us have rich and meaningful relationships. This is not always possible. Relationships can fall in our laps in either good or bad ways. We have to make do with the mental and emotional resources we have available. We need a quick emotional shorthand to figure things out.
The key to this looking at the small things and then the big things.
Intentions: Small Things
One often hears “the Devil is in the details”, or paradoxically, “God is in the details”. Both basically mean that we should pay attention to the small stuff. Let me give you an example:
Say our partner has a tin of mints. They are down to their last mint. What do they do? Do they offer you the mint, or do they say, “Sorry, this is my last mint. I can’t give it to you.”
If this was a Zombie Apocalypse, and mints were a way to fend off Zombies, AND it was your partner’s turn to fetch water at the zombie-infested well…all is forgiven.
I am assuming you are not reading this during an actual Zombie Apocalypse, and mints are readily available at the local convenience store. This small detail can give insight into how selfish your partner is, maybe. The important thing is to just look at these small behaviors. They can be very telling about how your partner feels about you. God and the Devil are both in the details. But beware of starting fights over these situations. Just try to see what’s there without judgement.
Intentions: Big Things Hiding as Small Things
I recently learned that my monthly mortgage insurance fee was going to increase. For someone like me, insurance, investing, and saving, is a tricky thing. I was raised in a very “spend it now, for tomorrow we die” mentality. I was sure that my wife would actually have been ok if I didn’t make this expense. I was also able to keep paying it though, because the increase wasn’t too big.
- My less financially educated and more a**hole-y part of me thought, “Well, the insurance wouldn’t help me any because I would be dead when it kicked in.”
- My more heroic half (maybe more accurately 1/4) thought, “Surely, my partner would be utterly devasted with my passing. Wouldn’t doing this help make her life easier?“
I was still able to pay the higher fee, so that made the decision easier. It would bug me if I could do something positive for my wife, but didn’t do it. That peace of mind would come from knowing my wife would have one less worry if I was gone.
Of course my partner has done even bigger and better things things to make my life better as well. Over time, we have “shown our hand” to each other, and proven that we mean to support and love each other.
It wasn’t always like this because we express ourselves differently. We had to learn the language in which we express good intentions and support. In some ways we were the same. In other ways we were different, but the positive intention was there. We just had to learn to see it and understand that.
Gather Data
So what are we left with? Nowadays, we are often told to “see the data”, so we can understand how things are actually going. In a relationship it’s not really that different.
- Gather all the data that proves to you that your partner is seeking your benefit. Make an effort to see what your partner might need and then support them in that way.
- We give and express in different ways, so we have to make room for that. While it can be “give and take”, it isn’t always equal. We might give more sometimes and less at other times-when we have less to give. So might our partner.
We will make mistakes and give what wasn’t asked for (unsolicited advice comes to mind). At the end of the day, taking these small steps will guide you to deepening your relationship.
